Collecting
by ZBBZL
Summary: A set of moments when Deeks gets to know Kensi behind kickass, tough as nail Agent Blye. KD. Starts with 2x04 'Special Delivery', and follows KD throughout friendship, building of trust and something more.
1. Special Delivery

**Title**: _Collecting_  
**Timeline**: Starts with 2x04 'Special Delivery'; follows KD and the evolution of their relationship through some episodes.  
**Summary**: A set of moments when Deeks gets to know Kensi behind kickass, tough as nail Agent Blye.

* * *

This birthday party could have gone very wrong. Maybe Deeks doesn't know the operation manager as well as the other members of the team, but if Callen of all people who seemed to be Hetty's favorite didn't think it was a good idea to throw a party, or even offer a gift to Hetty, it was some bold move from the young analyst to give it a try.

She's something, that new girl. He can already sense there's gonna be some spark and friction between the red-head and Eric, though way less of the scary type that exists between his _dear_ partner and him. Nell seems too cute, too innocent to punch Eric like Kensi does on a regular basis; he certainly can't imagine pixie-haired, girly Nell place threats of body harm on the tech, or turn a simple hairclip into a deadly weapon – not that he thinks Kensi _owns_ hairclips (the idea only of his kickass partner having tons of hair products or make-up haphazardly sorted on a dressing table is beyond ridiculous) but he _knows_ she could kill him with one of those.

That's what he likes about her, for some sort of twisted reason.

But, as he brings a cupcake to his lips, inhaling the sweet scent of vanilla and coconut and tasting chocolate as he takes a bite, Deeks also thinks that Nell's prowess in the kitchen will endear her to him. He bets she's certainly way better than Kensi who seems to live on coffee and Twinkies – and oh, how he is afraid of what her definition of a _healthy_ meal must be. Probably take-outs, beer and ding-dongs with ice-cream for dessert – a small smile tugs at his lips, recalling how she mocked him earlier about his own cooking.

The smile quickly dissolves as he turns around, looking for his partner, and his eyes settle on her, standing aside, alone. Kensi is looking down at her hands, staring at her phone and something he can't quite make out, and the look on her face… Well, this look, he thinks, just about _broke_ his heart. There's this small smile gracing her lips, but overall, the sadness, the _sorrow_ maybe that he feels radiating from her makes it beautiful but just as much as it is the first time he's ever seen her let the mask slip.

He knows that smile. It's this gorgeous smile sad people give, trying to cover what they're feeling inside. But, what he's learned through the years is that when it _really_ hurts, it always ends up showing, no matter how hard you try to keep the emotions at bay, or the amount of masks you wear to conceal and veil.

Deeks frowns. He definitely isn't used to a musing, almost _vulnerable_ Kensi. She always keeps him on his toes, she is quick to bounce back and move on. Whatever it is _bothering_ her right now – he doesn't dare put this in other words – well, it seems enough of a big deal for her to not even try to hide it. So, after squeezing Nell's shoulder and telling her just how good her cakes are, he chooses one covered with a 'B' made with icing (once aligned, the cupcakes formed the words _Happy Birthday Hetty_; Deeks hasn't seen that since the last birthday party he went to, and he was around eight), and walks to where Kensi is still lost in her thoughts.

Kensi lifts up her face and looks at him as he stops in front of her, holding out the cupcake for her. Her features soften, and there's the slightest twitch of her lips, turning the sad smile into something just a tiny bit closer to the Kensi Blye he knows. "B for Blye ?" she asks, reaching for the cake avidly. Her perpetual hunger is still there, and it reassures Deeks – some things never change, no matter what.

"Nah," he smirks, "B obviously stands for Badass. Babbling, brilliant, bossy, bright, bully brunette," he enumerates on his fingers, as Kensi cocks an eyebrow at him. "Beautiful," he continues.

That earns him a punch on the shoulder. Probably a bruise when morning comes, too, because if there's one thing Kensi Blye can't be accused of is punching like a _girl_. He doesn't mind. He can't really regret it when the faintest shade of pink tints at her cheeks, even for the briefest second.

(This is something he will use to his advantage, that much he knows – the sight of a blushing Kensi is worth any kick in the shin, any slap right across the face. He can't help but _love_ the fact that a compliment, simple statement of an all too obvious truth, can get that reaction out of her.)

"What's with the sad face ?" he asks rather bluntly. One thing he's learned soon, even though it's been barely a mere few weeks since he started working with the team and Kensi, is that his partner can't really be talked into confession and sharing. So, he'd rather go with the easy solution, and ask her without beating around the bush.

Kensi doesn't even seem to register the fact that he called her out on it; she just dismisses him by swallowing her cupcake in one bite, and that's when Deeks finally sees what she's holding in her other hand, along with her phone. It's a small velvet-like box, one he knows to contain the engagement ring Tom Porter had bought for his fiancée.

He decides against mentioning it right upfront. Instead, he chooses to linger on how Kensi softly hums, almost moans as her tongue darts out and licks her bottom lip and the fingers she brings to her mouth. It _is_ sexy, _yes_, but also quite funny to watch – Kensi really is a piglet, and it's obscene just as much as it's ridiculous to see just how candy holds the key to her heart. "That's very classy," he teases her, crossing his arms over his chest as he leans against the railing, standing close to her but still without having their arms brushing. "You know what, you should participate to one of those 'Swallowing as many hot-dogs as possible in one minute' competition. You'd win for sure."

"Shut up, Deeks."

"And here is my classy Kensi again." She elbows him in the ribs, but the sharp pain doesn't keep him from grinning. Oh, how she's _his_, even though she doesn't want to admit it. "It's hard to remember you're a girl when you do things like this." He pauses, meeting her dark eyes and the fury in there. She looks even more gorgeous like this, if that's possible. It's something in the way she's looking at him like she wants nothing more than thrust her knee in his crotch, but he damn well knows she would never. A punch every now and then, that Kensi does – but, _killing_ him ? Nah.

"It's hard to remember you're a man when you shoot a snake, you big baby," Kensi finally says. It comes out just a bit too late, though, showing she has needed some time to come up with a good retort as she reminds him of their little trip in the desert. Deeks' grin grows wider, and they both know he's won this round.

"Well, my sweet," he starts, gloating when he sees the spark of annoyance gleam in the mismatched orbs of his partner as the term of endearment escapes his lips, "Snakes are mean and could have killed your precious soon-to-be husband. You clearly don't want that, right ?"

Kensi rolls her eyes and sighs so loudly Deeks can't quite help looking down at her chest, watching the heavy rise and fall as she breathes. Kensi notices it, and a devious smile tugs at her lips as she steps on his foot with her heel. "Come again ?" she says, mischief clear in her eyes and tone. "As if I would ever get married to a guy like you. You'd be lucky if I even just allowed you to buy me a drink, lover boy."

Oh, if she wants to play this little game, then Deeks is all for it. He shifts and turns to face her again, enjoying the fact that though quite tall, Kensi is still shorter than him, and it allows him to look down on her, hovering over her. "Well, I like my girl to be _girly_, anyway," he lets out with a chuckle. "You're too much of a tomboy to wear any of those things we saw at the jewelry shop."

"Yeah, you'd look better with them on, Deeks," Kensi snorts. "Lucky thing we're not a real couple, then, and that I'm not your type, 'cause you're clearly not mine either." Her tone is harsh, nowhere near the playfulness in her voice just mere seconds before. She's clearly _pissed_, now.

And an annoyed Kensi is a deadly Kensi – not that she's not deadly at all times, but…

"Hey now," he says, his voice soft. "Sounds like someone is mad. Sorry, Kensi. You're not my type, but you could do the trick, be sure of this," he continues, laughing.

She rolls her eyes again. Deeks is not sure if he'd rather have her homicidally angry at him, or sad because of something he may not be able to do a thing about, something she might not even want to discuss with him. Both are not pretty thoughts, and will more likely end up with Kensi hitting him, anyway, but if she's pissed at him, Deeks figures that at least, she won't think of what made her look so sad.

He needs to offer her a distraction, a way out of her mind and the thoughts currently running in there.

"You're too strong for sparkling, girly jewelry, anyway," he tries tentatively, reaching out to tap a finger on her watch. "This ? It's a man's watch, right ?"

She takes her hand back, pulling it away from his fingers. Deeks is puzzled by the sudden gesture, and the flash of brief hurt he thinks he sees in her eyes, before the spark is replaced by sheer irritation. His brow furrows, and he reacts quickly, looking apologetic. He really _never_ meant for it to sound like he was criticizing her. "Hey, Kensi. I didn't mean to…" He pauses, and swallows the lump forming in his throat at the look on her features. She could kill him on the spot with that icy look, but that's not what scares him the most. All of this, this partnership, having to trust someone, having their back… It's new to him. He doesn't want to ruin it. "I was just saying – it belongs to a man, doesn't it ? I didn't want to say that you have man tastes, or anything. God, Kensi, this really wasn't about that. I –"

He's rambling, and Deeks knows it. He is very well aware of the fact that rambling is a serious issue of his, along with his use of humor and comedy to defuse the tension, and conceal the hurt. He can't help it, it's how he's dealt with almost everything happening to him for so many years now. But, it's not helping his case right now, as Kensi seems genuinely hurt, when he never meant to do just this.

He likes her watch. It's one of the very first thing he's noticed about her after he started working here, as the liaison officer between the Los Angeles police force and the federal agency. Back to when he first met her, undercover, as Daniel Zuna's girlfriend, her watch hadn't been the first thing drawing his attention, he has to admit it. But, ever since then, he's seen it on her wrist day after day, and it's become something he's grown to like, even more than he can comprehend.

Her watch is quite similar to his. They're not the same, sure, and he wouldn't go as far as saying they could mistake them and switch without noticing. But, Kensi's watch is definitely more of a man's than one of those women usually wear, with golden or silver thin bracelets. Hers is big, and shows on her wrist. This watch has history, that much he's sure of; he can sense it.

It's part of the things that make Kensi…_Kensi_, he reckons.

Part of the reasons why, though she's a complete mystery, he wants nothing more than sit down and reflect on the sheer riddle that she is, and solve it.

Why he wants to stick around long enough to try, at least.

"You're _so_ lame, Deeks," Kensi finally says, her voice low, the tiniest hint of amusement, though it seems forced out. She's not angry anymore, though. He hopes so.

She's more hurt than she lets on, Deeks figures. But, instead of insisting, he shrugs it off, just like she did. He knows he doesn't know her enough, hasn't been working with her for long enough to press when clearly, Kensi wants him to let go. So, he changes tactics, and goes back to _their_ playful banter – _safe territory_, something that is utterly and solely theirs, and _them_. It might sound presumptuous, but he thinks that he isn't wrong to think this. Teasing, joking around is something that works between them.

"Hey, I'm _not_ lame," he laughs, rising a hand to place his palm over his heart. "It's not my fault if you're the kind of girl who would kick me if I got down on one knee and proposed!"

It earns him a quiet laugh. It's a good start, he reckons; a better one than what he's achieved so far. But, the sad smile is back on her lips, almost imperceptible, barely tugging there; but, he can see it – and he hates the fact that he _is_ lame enough not to be able to wipe it off her pretty lips.

Deeks knows, though, that they're not really friends, for now, and that he has no real right to ask. He feels _lost_, all of a sudden, not knowing what to do, what the right thing to say could be, if _he_ can do or say anything, anyway.

The question escapes his lips before he can really think it over. "You – you want to go out, for drinks or anything ?" When he sees her face, surprise flashing in her eyes, how she parts her lips and gasps, not quite able to form words, he quickly adds, "Well, we could all go out together, huh ? Since it's Hetty's birthday, and Nell went through the effort of organizing something…"

"Oh… Well, I have something to – I need to get going," Kensi replies softly. She's fidgeting a bit and toying with her fingers, the small box still trapped in her hands. "But, it's – _thanks_, Deeks." She turns and walks to her desk, grabbing her jacket and bag, tucking her phone and things in it, along with the ring. "Maybe some other time ?"

He hears in her tone that it's a question, though he's not really sure if she only says this because she doesn't want to hurt his feelings, or if she really is just postponing, eager to do this some night, with _him_. Deeks doesn't want to read through the lines and then get disappointed, but… There's something in her look, now. As if she knew he's not just offering to be obnoxious, or hit on her, trying to make it up to her with frozen pizza and wine – Kensi is _definitely_ a beer kind of girl, that he is certain of.

"Yeah, whenever you want," he finally manages to reply, knowing that he's spent too long just staring at her.

"Okay, then… See you tomorrow, Deeks." With that, Kensi gives him a short nod and an almost coy smile. She waves at everyone, garnering smiles from the team, and she throws her bag over her shoulder, walking to the door.

He watches her, standing still. He watches her leave, and gives a quick glance to the others – they're all devouring Nell's cupcakes, and Sam is talking to Hetty, probably about the bottle of very expensive and fine alcohol she has in hand. It's just as if no one really just noticed that Kensi wasn't okay.

Then again, he doesn't know how they deal with that, here. But, he knows _he_ is not one to let go. So, he runs after her as she disappears out of the door, and catches up with her outside, gently grabbing her elbow. He wants to ask her if she wants him to come along, go with her to see Diane Farley – he's not stupid or oblivious, he does perfectly know where she's going. He might not know her enough to have any right to ask, but he still recognizes the determined look in her eyes. And, she's possibly the only person in law enforcement who would do _that_.

Care enough to bring some comfort to a grieving woman.

He wants to ask if she needs someone – if not him, maybe she will want Callen or Sam by her side (he even thinks of asking Nell, feeling that this is more of a girl thing that neither he nor the guys will be able to get). In the end, he decides not to; there's some unspoken agreement between the two of them, he thinks, and Deeks is already stepping on a line that could lead him to curl up in a ball, crying on the floor if he really crossed it.

Kensi is scary violent that way.

She looks up at him, a puzzled look in her eyes. Oh, those eyes… He clears his throat, and lets go of her arm. "Uh, I – I just wanted to say… I don't know that many people who would do that, you know ? People who don't really hang up the badge once they go home, I guess…"

Kensi opens her mouth, but no sound comes out. She seems to hesitate, ponder on what to say, if she's ever going to say something, and not just nod and leave. For a moment, Deeks thinks he's gone too far; that, maybe, he shouldn't have said a thing. Kensi isn't very open, she's definitely not the kind of person who lets just _anyone_ in – and Deeks knows that for now, he's _not_ welcome, whether it's in Kensi's private world, or in this family that OSP is. He's the outsider, the newest addition – the irritating, annoying guy who tags along. Even Nell seems to fit in better than him, maybe because she doesn't push as much as he does, or because she's a little genius and the team does actually recognize she's got some skills. Whatever the reason is why Kensi isn't quite ready to let him in yet, he's afraid that her silence is telling him just that, that he shouldn't have followed her and said just _this_.

He means it, though. If there's one thing he can't hide, besides just how gorgeous he thinks she is (and Deeks damn well knows it has to show in the way he looks at her, and drinks her in all day long), it's that: Kensi is quite _one in a million_.

In a billion, in a zillion, even. And yes, she's something, enough for him to make up words.

Kensi stares back at him, locking her dark eyes with his, and she smiles. It's a tiny little smile, but there's no hint of the ache it showed just moments ago. It's just a smile, but it warms him, again in a way he can't quite comprehend. Why a simple smile from her does this to him, Deeks has no idea – or, he doesn't want to really reflect about it.

It's scary, the hold she has on him in such little time.

It's thrilling, in a way.

She bites on her lip, still gazing up at him, and then she speaks. Her voice is low, and yet, in the silence surrounding the building, he hears her loud and clear. "Diane… She deserves to know Tom really loved her. She deserves to have something to hold onto, some proof, some sort of evidence that he wanted this, with her." She sighs, and inhales deeply before she continues. "She needs this to move on, eventually."

Kensi looks away, and Deeks doesn't quite know what to say. She's done talking, apparently, and yet she's still there, not moving to walk to her car. He feels like there's something more, for the second time tonight; something deeper behind her want to do the right thing. There has to be, because he's not sure that anyone else, including him, would have done such a thing.

There are cases that tug at his heart or his very soul, bringing back memories he'd rather kept locked. Somehow, he thinks that today, it's Kensi's heartstrings that have been pulled at and played with.

For some reason, it tugs at his, too.

The silence grows heavy, and Deeks hates silence. So, he goes with the first thing that comes to his mind – which, in retrospect, he knows to not be a very clever thing on a regular basis. "I feel like Diane is a nice girl. Elegant, sweet. The ring must be like her. And…" He bites on his lip, too, knowing that this could earn him another kick. "That's way more like you than this ridiculously big ring we saw this afternoon."

Kensi looks sad again, a cloud of ache settling down in her dark eyes, and he wants to kick himself for making her feel like this with his stupid rambling. Deeks reaches for her, but stops dead in track, fingers closing in thin air instead of her wrist. He feels like there's quite nothing he can do or say right now, so he drops it.

Instead, he gives her a smile, and just says, "Goodnight, then. And, if you want that drink later, the offer's still up, you know ?" He winks at her, and she laughs again. "Anytime, anywhere, just for you."

She doesn't kick him.

That's quite telling, Deeks muses.

He watches her leave, walking to her car and starting the engine, and he stays there for a couple minutes, just thinking about how this woman he barely knows, his new partner, seems to be a complete mystery. She's kickass, but he senses some scars lying underneath, some hidden evidences that she's not invincible. It both makes his heart ache, just as much as it makes him want to solve the sheer riddle that she is.

One day at a time.

* * *

_TBC_


	2. Anonymous

**Timeline:** 2x07, "Anonymous"

_To Jess who is crazy enough to think this is any good, and to all of you who may like it or liked the first chapter and gave this one a try. Enjoy. ;)_

* * *

Deeks is surprised to find her sitting at her desk when he makes his way back in the bullpen after changing and handing back the insanely expensive tux Hetty lent him. The guys are gone; no sign of their small but lethal boss – the quiet, pensive, _beautiful_ woman and he are the last one left at OSP. She's back to herself, dark waves let loose and casual clothes and though her tank top covers the skin that her suit jacket deliciously exposed – dear Lord, the thoughts that had crossed his mind upon seeing her emerge from the changing room dressed _like that_ – Deeks finds Kensi even more gorgeous like that. Quiet Kensi is definitely not what he's used to; she's always on energy high, dodging bullets and running after suspects, punching and kicking and still looking damn breathtaking with blood over her shirt, bruises from getting hit by a moving car or being on the receiving hand of a nasty punch. Quiet, pensive, lip-biting Kensi is… _something_.

Deeks is sure not going to pretend he knows Kensi badass Blye a lot, but one thing he does know about his partner is that for her to let down the walls, there _has_ to be some major reason behind it. Kensi doesn't let anything get to her, or at least that's what she likes everyone to think, so it does tug at him – maybe a little bit more than it should – to see her with that small frown furrowing her brow, her gaze blankly focused on whatever's on her desk.

"Hey," he calls out softly, a gentle smile to his lips as Kensi lifts her head in his direction at his voice, obviously surprised to see that she's not as alone as she thought she was. "You were waiting for me ? Wanting to enjoy my sexy company in that bubble bath, uh ?" Kensi cocks an eyebrow at him, but Deeks presses, sensing amusement more than annoyance. "Got no problem with that, Princess. I _love_ rocky road."

She smiles – it's barely there, a small smile ghosting over her lips, but it still warms him up just a bit – and chuckles immediately after, shaking her head. "Hey now, Cinderella. Earlier in all your shining glory, _maybe_, but _now_ ?" Kensi smirks, clearly pleased with herself. "Not into pumpkins, sorry but no can do."

He flashes her a pearly-white smile as he places a palm over his heart in faux-hurt. "I don't need a tux to work my charm and you perfectly know it, Kiki," he offers teasingly, his latest cheesy nickname for her eliciting a growl from Kensi. He'd tell that she should stop scowling at him like that all the time because smiling does improve her looks but he's not suicidal. Deeks watches her intently as she looks away, pretending to tidy her desk (_really_ ?) and he walks closer, stopping far enough from her not to invade her so dearly-protected personal space, but close enough to encourage her gently to let him in, even for the briefest moment. "You okay, partner ?"

"'Course I am," she replies, too quickly to sound genuine and Deeks is certain that she knows it. She looks up at him, reciprocating his smile, and he studies her face for another moment; he can sense it's unsettling her.

Deeks drops his bag on Callen's desk, lightly leaning against it. "What's going on in that pretty head of yours ?" he insists. He knows that they don't know each other very well, that he may not have any right to push and probe like that, but Deeks also reckons that _this_ – who knows, maybe this partnership holds some exciting, promising tomorrows (if she lets him live) – is never going to get anywhere if someone doesn't start being _annoyingly_ pushy.

Kensi pushes her hair behind her ears, a shyness to her little gesture that both surprises him as much as it reveals a well-hidden facet of the young agent he's already caught a glimpse of, a few weeks back. For all her badassery, Kensi is still a caring, lovely person; she'd kill him for sure if she ever heard him use such words to describe her, but, well… It's _true_. She might not be comfortable with showing it, but Deeks just finds her all the more awesome for it.

He can't deny it; Kensi Blye _is_ awesome. Kick ass and deadly, sure; a damn good agent, hell yeah. But underneath it lays something _more_, something he'd be quite willing to wait around to get to know.

Her voice startles him when it pierces the silence that fell upon the bullpen. It's almost as if she's talking to herself, a heaviness to her words that Deeks can't quite name or place. "Just thinking about how unpredictable life is, you know ?"

"Particularly when you do what we do."

"Yeah, sure, but…" Her eyes meet his, and yet Deeks feels like she doesn't really _see_ him. She puts her chin on top of her linked hands, biting on her lip. "You make all the plans in the world but in the end, there's no guarantee. Today you're happy, tomorrow you might not even be here anymore. Kind of puts things in perspective…"

Deeks frowns, unsure of where all of this is coming from, both the sudden outburst and confession and the seriousness in her tone. "What are you talking about ?"

She hesitates for all but a second before averting her gaze. Her teeth gently worry her bottom lip, the fingers of one hand rubbing nervously at the others. "Oh, I was just thinking about Jillian," she says, her voice barely above a quiet whisper as she reminds of the blonde pregnant woman. "You know, she had it all, nice life, nice house, nice husband and now baby was about to make three… And now she's gonna go through all of this alone. She's just had her entire world turned upside down, and… That's just not fair," she finishes, so low that Deeks has to strain his ear to catch her last words.

He wonders if the shaking in her voice is something she's ever let anyone hear.

He wonders how quickly she'd slit his jugular vein if he even just tried to reach out and lay a hand on her.

Mostly, Deeks wonders why the thought of a hug _terrifies_ her. She can pretend to be annoyed all she wants, it's _not_ irritation he sees in her eyes most of the time; sure, she complains a lot about having to suffer his presence, about how maddening and infuriating he is, about how Hetty must be _crazy_, but… That's exactly what it is, _false pretenses_. He doesn't know a lot about her previous partner – what they shared, who he was or how he died – or about her, when he thinks about it; but if there's one thing Deeks is almost certain of, it's that Kensi is the kind of girl who runs away from any kind of attachment as soon as she can feel the first tingle of _feeling_ creeping up on her. She's not as mad as she tries to make it out to be; she's _scared_.

Scared to let him in, only for him to die on her like Dominic Vail did.

Scared to like him.

Too late for him, though.

Kensi gets up, gathering her things, and Deeks helps her; he smiles at the thought that she's letting him. She's putting her laptop in her bag when he playfully bumps her hip – _that's_ a bold move and he's perfectly aware of it, but maybe he wants the annoyed Kensi back. A pissed Kensi is more likely to focus on her annoyance and hit him than let whatever thought that's plaguing her drown her in sorrow and ache. She doesn't, though; instead, she just tilts her head to the side, looking at him expectantly. He clears his throat, picking his words carefully in his head – he _wants_ to press, but chooses not to. They're walking on shaky grounds, they're not really friends, just merely coworkers; all in all, they don't know anything about each other save for the minimal, necessary information.

He knows her name. _Kensi Blye_. Strong and determined and feminine at the same time. He knows her rank, Special Agent, the only junior agent who resisted G. Callen's obstacles and challenging personality according to the rumors. He knows her secret alias on Romancing the One, or how she likes her coffee. Her favorite doughnuts. Her favorite radio station. He knows simple things but nothing too confidential or too intimate, nothing that really allows him to understand the whole mystery that is the stunning woman standing just an inch from him.

He doesn't know much at all. Then again, she doesn't either; and in a way, Deeks thinks it might not be that bad a thing. Some ghosts, he's decided, better lay to rest undisturbed. There are some demons in his past that he'd rather have Kensi never find out about, some things he isn't proud of, some things he'd like nothing more than forget.

Maybe the pain he can feel radiating from her is one of those doors she doesn't want to open and take a peek in. But he wouldn't be Marty Deeks if he didn't push. "You know, unexpected doesn't always have to be a bad thing. Change can be good. Just look at us, my sweet. You didn't expect to get a new partner as smart and handsome, and yet it's the best thing that ever happened to you."

God how a sense of pride hits him square in the chest when he sees the grin forming on her lips, thinking that he did this – that he helped her forget, even just for a little while. It soon turns into a smirk, one besting his own in mischief, as Kensi nods her head, already thinking she's oh so clever. "Is it because you're so handsome that those women pepper-sprayed you ?" she asks, ridiculously blinking her lashes. "Because, me, if I had a handsome man barging into my shower, I surely wouldn't. But maybe that's just me."

And here comes the vision of a naked, wet Kensi pressed against the tiles of the shower wall, eyes closed, breathing labored, nails clawing at his back. As if he needed that.

(She's _so not_ his type.)

He leans in closer, almost brushing his lips against the shell of her ear. Deeks almost hears the words _death wish_ flutter to his own, but he shrugs it away; right now, Kensi's first reaction is to stiffen, a delicious, tiny rosy blush creeping up the skin of her neck – he wouldn't be so cocky as to say she shivers, but, _well_… "And what would you do, Special Agent Blye ? I'm all ears."

She doesn't kick him. No fight, no fit, no feud, none of that; instead, after a couple seconds, Kensi just turns to him, a sly grin on her lips, a mischievous spark in her mismatched dark eyes. She stands tall to her full height, and it strikes Deeks once again how proud and stubborn and tough this woman beside him really is; he's used to girly, giggly girls who say yes, laugh a lot and twirl their hair, but Kensi ? She doesn't take crap from anyone, even when it comes to simple teasing, just the give and take of two people slowly starting to get to know each other, which buttons to push, what makes the other tick.

_Flirting_. People _would_ call that flirting, but then again, people don't know Kensi Blye and Kensi Blye doesn't flirt with her annoying, infuriating, maddening goof of a partner. _No way in hell_.

She raises a hand to lay it flat on his chest, patting it almost affectionately; her grin conveys something completely different, like the gleam in her eyes. She licks her lips slowly, her gaze locked with his. "Wouldn't you like to know ?"

_Oh_, she wants to go there ? Then she surely doesn't know who she's playing with. If she thinks that _that's_ enough to unsettle Marty Deeks… Then dear Lord, she's completely, one hundred and ten percent _right_. Deeks accepts the challenge, though; smooth as ever, he hides his momentary moment of weakness – those eyes and plump lips and gentle waves and that body have ruined him, he knows it – and counters her reply easily with one of his own, his tone dripping with charm and seduction. "I say we share that bubble bath and see where it goes, Fern. I promise I'll make it worth your while."

Her reply comes out before she thinks about it. "You're too big."

He can't help it – he laughs. Deeks really wishes he hadn't and kept going with teasing her, because God, Kensi is a piece of work, but he can't hold back the roar of laughter coming out of his mouth. Kensi's eyes widen in shock as he sees her struggling not to cover her mouth with her hands, but the one on his chest leaves to stand at her side. "You're a pig," she finally says, rolling her eyes and turning back to her desk, switching off her lamp. "You're so immature."

"Oh, but _you_ are the one who drew this conversation to mature material, dearie." He gives her his trademark smirk, and though he still doesn't understand why he's not curling up in a ball and crying on the floor yet, Deeks is at least glad to see that Kensi seems to have forgotten all about the thoughts she was lost in when he first walked in the bullpen.

He knows he won't always be able to do that. He knows some things just can't be shrugged away or put aside with a lame joke or some inappropriate work behavior. He damn well knows that; and more than that, Deeks doesn't really want that between them. For all her bossy, stuck-up, control freak attitude, Kensi is still his partner; in reality, the _first_ partner he's ever had. Sure, he's worked with other people before, back in his LAPD days, but can he call them partners ? Colleagues, people working in the same precinct, doing the same job, _yes_, but nothing like what he has with Kensi. He's been going undercover on his own for longer than he's had a relatively normal day solving crimes or interrogating suspects. It's just not what he does; his thing is to go deep under and shut things down from the inside – you have no partner there.

He kind of likes the new feeling of having someone at his back. And it feels good to be there for someone, too. For all their issues, he thinks that what they have going on could lead to something really good.

He sees Kensi throwing her bag across her shoulder, ready to leave and yet waiting for him; for what he doesn't know, for him to come along, or for him to say something ? Deeks could perfectly leave things like that, and it probably would be the best option; and yet, he can't help but think of Kensi going home alone, and of those thoughts coming back to her when he isn't there to push them away. It might be presumptuous to think like this, to allow himself to think that what he does or does not do matter to her in the slightest; it might be, but everybody has always called him arrogant anyway, so… "Can I ask you something ?" he finally says, not exactly knowing where this sudden urge to talk and not just tease comes from.

"I don't know. Right now I don't even know why I'm still here after you basically said I needed a complete do-over," she snorts, gesturing to her body. Deeks laughs, his eyes roaming over said body that so doesn't need it. If anything, Kensi's body is one to die for, and Kensi is the kind of woman that all the others hate because, damn, she is absolutely _perfect_.

"Hey now, look who's touchy. I was undercover, remember ? Just playing an act, and very well if I may." She punches his arm, hard, _harder_ than usual even, and Deeks bites on his lip not to wince and whine. "Truce, truce, partner. You don't need plastic surgery, but you sure need to go see a shrink for those anger issues. Where's Nate when we need him, uh ?" Kensi rubs her temple as she closes her eyes, visibly trying to control her rising irritation. Deeks knows he'd better stop right now, but pushing Kensi's buttons is just too easy and so fun he can't… But he does. He does because he wants to see that beautiful smile again instead of the punch she will direct at his face for sure next time. "So, I was just wondering… About Sam, you know…"

"What about him ?" She starts walking to the door and he follows her, the chill night air of late October rushing underneath the collar of his shirt. "Does he really want to break your neck whenever you open that damn mouth ?" she goes on, the moon beaming over the light tug of her lips upward, "Yup. Me too, by the way. Callen. Only Hetty doesn't for some reason."

"You think you're so clever," he huffs, poking her arm with a single fingertip. "I meant the kids part, obviously."

Kensi sighs as they reach her car and she slowly turns to him, leaning against the hood. "That kind of caught me off guard too." She wraps her arms around her in a vain attempt to fight against the cold, and Deeks resists the urge to reach out to her; it's funny, he thinks as a small smile touches his lips, that he can so easily and unabashedly flirt with her, but that something as simple as rubbing his hands over her arms to warm her up could be so much more out of line. "I didn't know, if that's what you're asking."

"I don't know what I'm asking, in fact. I just…" He leans against the car too, tucking his hands in the front pockets of his jeans as his eyes wander back to the walls hiding their headquarters. "I just wonder how you can work with someone for so long, and not know that they have children."

"Just never came up in the conversation," Kensi shrugs.

"No, that's not what I meant. I – it's stupid, really," he hesitates, shaking his head lightly. "Just thinking about, you know, how paradoxical it sounds, to work with people every day, to see them more than you get to see your family and friends, and yet not to know the first thing about them."

Kensi bumps her shoulder against his gently. "Didn't know you were that deep, Deeks." He chuckles. "But, seriously, just don't give it too many thoughts. I'm sure Sam had his reasons. He's been working with Callen for longer than I've been with them, and besides, Callen's the team leader. If he didn't feel like that was essential information to share, then we shouldn't either."

"Do _you_ have a little Kensinator waiting for you at home ?" he teases, "Or do you have nothing better to do than going home to a bubble bath and some ice-cream ?"

Kensi laughs and pushes off the car, opening the front door before slipping into the driver's seat. "Rocky road, Deeks, not just some random ice-cream, duh."

He bends a little, enough to lean his arms on the windowsill as she turns the ignition on. "You could let me buy you a drink. Going out with me beats rocky road, right ?"

She smiles sweetly at him, reaching out a hand to pat his cheek. "Nah, not really. I mean, _rocky road_, Deeks ? Come on."

"And the bubble bath," he adds.

"And the bubble bath."

He stares at her, trying to understand the mystery veiled behind those dark eyes. He's almost certain she doesn't have someone waiting at home for her, no boyfriend, no child, no pet, even; Kensi's just not that girl, the girl who commits to a family or a man. His mind goes back to a few weeks before and the sorrow he'd spotted in her as they talked here too, on the parking lot, of Diane Farley, the grieving fiancée; Deeks remembers wanting to press and push, but not doing it. There are shadows and ghosts in Kensi's past, just like in anyone's, and he can feel that once upon a time, she has _been_ that woman, maybe with a ring on her finger and the promises of a future with a caring man and a couple kids. Not anymore, though.

No, _now_ she is Special Agent Kensi Blye.

He pushes back, straightening up. "So I'll see you tomorrow, then." Kensi nods and he turns around, walking to his own car parked at the other end of the lane. He's almost reached it when he hears her voice calling out to him.

"I'll pick you up at 9. Don't be late."

He is. He's coming home from his morning surf, his hair wet from the ocean and his white shirt clinging to his body when he finds her parked in front of his apartment.

She makes him buy her a dozen doughnuts to make it up to her. He gladly obliges.

* * *

_TBC_


	3. Disorder

**Timeline**: 2x11, "Disorder"

_Blame Jess for everything - length and fluffiness. Hope you enjoy, though. :)_

* * *

He watches her smile to the people shaking her hand or hugging her, words of gratitude and warm smiles she responds to with one of her own, bright and beautiful. She's standing under the mistletoe, in deep conversation with a man he's known for a few months, a kind, funny old man who always has nice things to say; Kensi blushes deeply as he taps his cheek with a single fingertip, but kisses him anyway.

She makes her way out from underneath the mistletoe before other men get in line, sighs of disappointment following her high-pitched laugh. Kensi drops onto the chair next to him, and Deeks pouts, tapping his own scruffy cheek. "Didn't get mine," he says, putting on his best puppy look.

Kensi looks up and then shakes her head, a smirk tugging at her lips as their eyes meet; there's a playful spark in her dark mismatched orbs, but also sleepiness after a long, exhausting day and a fun night. "Nuh-uh. Don't see any mistletoe hanging here. Besides, I think the lady over there has a thing for you," she teases him, nodding at a woman, who seems to be seventy or eighty, who winks back at them. "It's Christmas. You don't want to break her heart now, do you ?"

Deeks shrugs, looping an arm around her shoulders over the back of her chair. "I'm usually a gentleman, but tonight, I'm _supposed_ to be with you." He sighs heavily, lightly tilting his head toward her as he looks at her from under his lashes. "I'm sure she'll understand. Anyone looking at you knows that you need Santa Marty more than anyone else here."

Kensi chuckles, cocking an eyebrow at him. "Santa Marty ?" she asks him, rolling her eyes. "I guess I should feel lucky you didn't say Miracle Marty or something like that, huh ?"

"You should," he nods, beaming; Kensi looks away, trying to hide the grin on her lips. Deeks circles her shoulders more fully then, his fingers gently stroking the length of her arm. "So you had a good night ?" he asks.

She turns her head to look him in the eye again, and Deeks takes the time to really take her in for the first time; in the frenzy of the night, he's barely been with her for more than ten minutes at a time, and each time she's shaken off his concern by telling him she was _fine_. She looks tired, but at least she got some colors back on her cheeks, her skin rosy from all the running around and a night spent laughing. What concerns Deeks the most is the swelling on her forehead, her bruise now a bright purple. "That was surprisingly fun," she teasingly replies, but her smile and the gleam in her eyes are nothing but genuine. "And unexpected," Kensi adds in a quiet tone, gently tugging her bottom lip between her teeth.

"You thought I'd go clubbing and bring some drunk chick home ?" he offers with a playful wink and a smile. When Kensi shrugs, a small, shy look on her face, Deeks just chuckles, squeezing her shoulder. "Nah, that's my plan for New Year's Eve."

Kensi rolls her eyes, and then looks down at her hands on her lap. "I was just…_surprised_, I guess. I mean, you, uh, you having a date on Christmas didn't seem out of character, so I didn't question it. You know what I mean ?"

"You mean that me hitting on chicks is more like _me_ than helping people ?" he elaborates, cocking an eyebrow at her. "I'm offended by that," he jokes, placing a palm over his heart in faux-hurt. "I've been a lawyer, I'm a cop, I even feed your candy addiction by emptying my bank account every week… Some would say I'm really into helping others, you know."

Kensi opens her mouth to retort but then closes it; he had her with the candy comment and she knows it. Her gaze wanders around, taking in people laughing and dancing, until her eyes settle on the woman who greeted them hours ago. She points at her before turning back to Deeks. "She seems to be very fond of you," she says. "You come here often ?"

"Pretty much everytime I'm not undercover." When he sees the surprise flicking through her eyes, he adds, "I'm not really the family type. Imaginary or real," he teases, reminding her of how he never believed in her lies about spending Christmas in Seattle with some relatives. "Or maybe my family isn't really the family type with me, dunno."

Kensi looks at him, a range of emotions in her eyes that he can't quite define or understand; there's surprise, but also compassion and even a certain fondness that shocks him. It's as if she wants to press and ask more, but has decided not to; whether it is because she wouldn't want to reply to his own questions if he pushed her, or because she feels like it's too soon, like she can't ask, Deeks doesn't know.

Honestly, he's not really sure if he would answer truthfully anyway. He doesn't know her well enough, and he sure doesn't want their partnership – relationship, _whatever_ – to be based on pity on her part. And that's what would most likely happen if he told her why he spends his free time serving food in a soup kitchen; how it was common practice in his neighborhood when he was a kid, how he's shared more than one of those meals with his best friend while their mothers had to work at two jobs to make ends meet.

Besides, Deeks is more intrigued by her own Christmas traditions to think about sharing his with her at the moment.

Kensi covers a yawn with the back of her hand and Deeks takes it as their cue to call it a night. Standing up, he gently grabs her by the elbow and helps her up, placing his hand on the small of her back as he guides her through the crowd. "Time to go home for you, missy. Let's just find Monty first. I bet he's doing his puppy look to everyone to get food and tummy rubs."

"Your dog is surprisingly endearing, considering _you're_ his daddy," Kensi replies sweetly, bringing a hand to his fluffy Santa Hat and adjusting it on top of his head. "It's a shame that the hat can't hide all of your hair, though."

"What do you have against my hair ?"

Kensi snorts, patting his cheek. "What _don't_ I have against your hair would be a better question. You look like the love child of Cindy Lou Who and the Grinch."

Deeks sighs, bumping her hip as he loops his arm around her shoulders. "I don't know if I'm more offended by that or surprised that you've seen that movie. I'm _so_ gonna tell the guys."

She ignores him, and they look around for Monty until they find him rolled on his back, a ridiculous hat on his head as a woman rubs his belly. He all but runs to them when he catches a glimpse of his daddy, and Kensi scratches him behind his ears as Deeks bids his goodbye to everyone. She waves her hand to the people saying goodbye to her, and all three leave, matching hats on their heads.

(Deeks is glad that Kensi doesn't hear the comment someone makes about how cute they are together, because he's sure that she could still kick ass, Christmas night or not.)

She dozes off as soon as she settles in his car, her face nestled against her arm on the windowsill and her hat falling on her eyes, and Deeks makes the most of it to change the radio station – he will _never_ understand how she can listen to that _techno_ thing she calls music – and switches to some Christmas caroling for the rest of the drive to her house.

He parks his car on her empty spot, and gently, he lays a hand over her arm to wake her up. "Kensi. We're home," he says softly, stroking his thumb over her covered arm. When she just nuzzles her face deeper against her hand, Deeks smiles and brushes a knuckle to her cheek; it's Christmas, after all, there's just no way Kensi would kill him for his bold move.

She blinks her lashes a couple times before straightening, not even addressing his hand on her. Deeks circles the car to open the door for Monty, and then opens hers, and Kensi just chuckles, swatting the hand he offers her. They walk to her door in silence, but when Kensi opens it and reveals the inside of her house, Deeks can't help but stop dead in tracks. "Where is your _tree_ ?" he asks, his eyes widening as he takes in his surroundings; no Christmas tree, no ornaments, no tinsels, _nothing_.

(Nothing Christmas-related, sure, but everything _else_, from clothes haphazardly cluttering the floor to tons of girly magazines that he would have never pegged badass Blye for reading.)

Kensi shrugs, dropping her bag on the floor as she kicks off her shoes. "Don't have one." She tries to walk to her couch, but Deeks grabs her by the elbow, stopping her. "What's up ?"

He bends down to retrieve her shoes and hands them over to Kensi. "It's Christmas, Kensi, and you don't even have a sock hanging on your non-existent mantelpiece. Who's the Grinch now ?" She looks at him as if he's grown a second head, and Deeks just shakes his head, amused. "Nuh-uh. You go pack a bag for the night, and I'm taking you home."

His tone, gentle but firm, leaves no room for argument, so Kensi just goes to her room, still stunned as she looks over her shoulder before disappearing in her bedroom.

"See, Monty, that's how you do it with the ladies," he tells the dog as he crosses his arms over his chest, leaning his back against the door.

He hears Kensi's snort from her bedroom before her voice, slightly annoyed but mostly amused, calls out to him. "I heard that."

-:-

"I don't understand why you care so much about decorating. It's not like you have a kid or something," Kensi rants as Deeks parks his car in the lot in front of his building. Her head snaps as she turns to him, narrowing her eyes. "You _don't_ have a kid, do you ?" she asks him, and Deeks smiles at the look on her face.

He doesn't reply to her; instead, he gets out of the car, letting Monty out who nimbly runs up the stairs with an ease that surprises Deeks – either Monty is really eager to open his Christmas presents, or he's trying to impress Kensi. But Kensi isn't paying attention to him; she looks at Deeks from over the top of the car, her dark eyes fixed on him as she asks again, "Tell me you don't have kids. _Please_. Because one Deeks is _more_ than enough."

"I'll have you know that I have Norwegian and Californian genes, which is, like, the best combination _ever_. Blond hair, blue eyes, 6'2" of muscles and sun-kissed tan. Any woman out there would be lucky to carry my child, thank you very much."

"Not this one," Kensi half-whispers, half-snorts, pretending to gag.

Deeks ignores her, and he guides her up the stairs with a hand on her back; she'll probably kill him tomorrow for all of this touching, but right now, he doesn't care. When they reach the door, he stops and turns to her, a grin tugging at his lips. "Close your eyes," he tells her.

Her eyebrows rise as she sighs, and Kensi just crosses her arms over her chest, leaning her shoulder against the wooden door. "Come on, Deeks. If you think I'm gonna swoon over your decorating skills, I'm not. Just open the damn door and give me a beer," she says, a devilish smile playing on her lips as she aims to give his shoulder a playful punch.

He catches her fist, gently holding it in his hand. "_Kensi_…" He blinks his lashes at her, and then he sees the moment when her resolve breaks in her eyes, and she looks tired of _fighting_ – not just him, but everyone, all the time – as she softly nods her head. She closes her eyes and he opens the door behind him, walking backwards to make sure she doesn't cheat, and he switches on all the lights, bathing his living-room in a soft glow of green and red and gold.

He expects some jokes, some blows to his virility and masculinity for not only owning ornaments but also for obviously having spent lots of time decorating, but they never come; when Kensi's eyes flutter open, they blink a couple times as they wander all around, taking in the inside of his apartment in all its Christmas glory. "I don't know if this is creepy or beautiful," she finally says, a gentle smile on her lips that definitely rules out the creepy option. She walks to his tree and grins as she takes in all the presents gathered there. "You're spoiling him," she says, nodding her head toward Monty with a faux-reproaching smile.

"They're not all for him," Deeks says, dropping their bags on the floor as he heads to the kitchen; there, he pours a glass of water for her, adding her painkillers in it before she tricks him – for all her badassery, Kensi Blye still wrinkles her nose at the mention only of taking drugs. "Some are for my next-door neighbor's little kids. She takes care of Monty when I'm at work, and the kids are adorable. I'm supposed to look after them tomorrow, so I figured I should keep them entertained if I don't wanna find Monty with bows in his fur."

Monty whines, flattening his ears back and nuzzling his face in his front paws as if he understood what his daddy is saying. "Real-life story, I presume ?" Kensi asks as she bends to stroke Monty's fur.

"Yeah, don't tell him about it," Deeks chuckles, handing her the glass of water. "Here, drink this. And no cheating," he chides her.

Kensi swallows it in one gulp, sticking her tongue out at him when she's done. "Okay, now where's my beer ?"

"Nuh-uh. No alcohol for you. You should already be glad I didn't take you to the E.R.," Deeks says, rolling his eyes. He wishes she had let him take her, though; despite the colors returning to her cheeks and the playful gleam in her eye, she still looks a bit too pale for his liking, too tired and too beat – just like someone's who's been hit by some scumbag who took advantage of her and manipulated her by toying with her emotions and reopening some wound that had never truly healed in the first place.

His fist unconsciously closes at his side as he thinks of Talbot and how much he wants to kill him for using her like this, and then his mind wanders to the origin of the pain and ache, to the one man who broke his partner's heart; and just like that, Deeks doesn't know who he wants to kill _more_, Talbot or Jack. Because the tears in Kensi's eyes, the shaking in her voice and the lump in her throat as the words had escaped her lips…they were _real_, brought about by real pain and real heartache, _real heartbreak_, all because of a man who had made her feel like she wasn't good enough. A man who had left her instead of fighting to become the man she had fallen in love with again, a man who had not seen that she was worth any fight and any pain – a man who had reduced her to feeling like everything was her fault, a guilt Kensi still carried years later as today had revealed.

And he might have not known her for long, but Deeks can't really stand the thought of Kensi being hurt by anyone.

She stares at him, a puzzled look on her face, and Deeks unclenches his fist, raking a hand in his hair. "So, uh, bathroom's the door on the right, if you want to… Towels are in the closet, if you want to take a shower and get changed. I'm just gonna go get something at the convenience store around the corner and I'll be right back," he babbles, before kneeling to scratch Monty behind the ears. "You stay here and protect her, huh ?"

He sees the genuinely amused smile on Kensi's lips before she can pretend otherwise.

God, how he loves it more than he should.

(He's in trouble deep here.)

-:-

She's still in the bathroom, water running when he comes back, hands full of ice-cream and candy bars; he's bought just about everything in the store, just to be sure, to the cashier's amusement who commented on pregnancy midnight cravings. Monty is snoring loudly in his dog bed, completely dropping the knight act, and Deeks laughs to himself as he settles their improvised dessert on his coffee table. He's flicking through channels, trying to find some cheesy Christmas movie that Kensi seems to be so fond of when he hears the click of the lock, and then Kensi's lingering on the doorway, dark wet waves framing her face as she stands in a pair of flannel pants and a pink fluffy tank top.

"Don't you dare say a word," she warns him even before he can think of something witty or silly to say; and honestly, in that moment, the only thing coming to his mind is that she looks absolutely _gorgeous_. Not that he'd be stupid enough to say it. She takes a seat beside him on his couch, tucking one leg underneath her as she reaches for the tub of rocky road. Her fingers toy with the red bow wrapped around it, and she gives him a bright smile. "That's for me ?" she asks him sweetly, already digging a huge spoonful and bringing it to her mouth.

He chuckles, taking a spoon and digging it too, moving to sit closer to her. "Nuh-uh. We're sharing. It's Christmas, after all." She rolls her eyes but graciously leans a bit more into him, shoulders and fingers brushing as they – _mostly her_ – devour the ice-cream. Her tongue darts out, flicking on her lips, and Deeks has to force himself to look away before he does something very stupid like _kissing_ her; why it'd be so stupid is sort of lost on him at the moment, though. "So, I take it that caramel swirl and cookie dough was a good choice, huh ?" he teases her as Kensi licks her spoon avidly. "Cashier sends his congrats, by the way. At this rate, he thought we were having triplets," he gently mocks her, gesturing to the candy cluttering his coffee table. "Didn't know what you liked best, so…"

She ignores him, leaning to reach for a Dove Bar. "I don't discriminate. I love everything," she shrugs, a little mischievous spark in her eye as her teeth dig in the bar. Kensi all but _moans_ then, and Deeks grins – she's so _easy_.

He watches her for a moment as she devours Twinkie after Ho-Ho as if she hadn't eaten anything in a week, her eyes focused on the screen when he doesn't even know the title of the movie; she's either really engrossed by the story or purposely averting her gaze, because Deeks is making no effort to hide the fact that he's watching her. He doesn't even know why he's doing it; maybe he's afraid she's going to pass out on him at any moment because the swelling on her forehead is more serious than she cares to admit, or maybe just because she looks so much younger and adorable like this, dark curls framing her face like the first time they met, that Deeks can't look away.

It kind of baffles him that she's the same woman who, just barely eight months before, didn't want to have anything to do with him, and who's now sitting on his couch in her pajamas, letting him take care of her when Kensi Blye needs no one; spending Christmas with him when he's just found out what the day means to her, what it probably always will.

She feels him watching her, his persistent gaze finally garnering a reaction from her, and Kensi sighs as she reaches for the remote and puts the TV on mute. She bends her knees to her chest before tilting her head on her shoulder, finally meeting his eyes under her lashes; hers are slightly teary. "I'm fine, Deeks," she says softly, her voice nothing but a low murmur as she gently bites on her bottom lip. It's a dead giveaway and they both know it. "But thanks for tonight. I, uh, I really appreciated that."

"Anytime," he shrugs, giving her a sheepish smile as he wraps his arm behind her on the back of the couch. Kensi cocks an eyebrow at him, the ghost of a smirk on her lips, and he just sighs, fully looping his arm around her shoulders. "If you had told me you didn't have plans a few days ago, I would have bought you the full Miss Santa costume. Next year, I guess."

He expects a punch to his shoulder or any other more sensitive place, but it doesn't come; instead, Kensi just looks down for a moment, looking pensive. She stays silent for awhile, and Deeks doesn't push this time; he absently traces the bare skin of her shoulder with his fingers, soothing patterns meant to gently coax her into sharing. He only had little bits and snatches of a story he's fairly sure Kensi didn't want to tell them, but only did because she genuinely cared about Talbot and what they all thought he was suffering from; she could relate to him because she'd gone through the same. And though Deeks wishes nothing more than for her to be able to move on from her past, he just knows that she won't be able to as long as she keeps it to herself.

He lifts his free hand to her face, gently tucking a stray curl behind her ear, and Kensi finally looks up at him, her brown eyes filled with sorrow and Deeks knows in that instant that he'd give just about anything for the sadness to go away. She gives him a small smile before she coughs, clearing her throat, and then she starts speaking, her voice soft but firm, unwavering. "I used to love Christmas, you know," she says, almost as if talking to herself, "it was the best time of year when I was a kid. And then I met Jack, and the best time of year became _whenever_ he was there. Sometimes he was gone three months for training, sometimes just three days, and my whole life revolved around him. I mean, I could drive for hours to come see him at the base if only for one night, and he used to sneak in my dorm at night in college. That was…"

She averts her gaze, and Deeks looks down at her hands to see her twitching her ring finger, absently tracing the skin there, and this little gesture just breaks his heart. He squeezes her shoulder and Kensi looks up at him, and he tries to convey with one look everything that he can't say, that he's here for her if she ever needs him, even if they barely know each other, even if he's the last person she wants to talk to. She smiles at him, finally unhooking her fingers. "That was the best part. All the crazy things. And then he got deployed. A week before he left, he proposed, and I said yes. I was nineteen and I was in love, it seemed like the only possible answer." She gives a little shrug, shaking her head. "He was gone for a over a year, and I spent my time between school and planning the wedding with his mother and sisters. Everything was supposed to be perfect for his return, but then…

"But then he came home and I just _knew_ that something was wrong. But I _didn't_ do a thing." The anger he can hear in her voice is directed at herself and it _kills_ Deeks, but before he can say anything Kensi goes on, and he just can't interrupt her when he's almost sure this is the first time she allows herself to talk about this and seek comfort in someone. "Jack and I, we were the same. Tough exterior, not ones to talk a lot or let people see us at our weakest point." At this, Deeks chuckles, and then a bright smile tugs at his lips when he hears Kensi laugh, too, if only for the briefest second. "He kept saying he was fine, and I let myself believe that he was… until the day when he really _wasn't_ and I couldn't keep pretending to be the happy future bride anymore. I just – I just _couldn't_ do it anymore." Her voice breaks for a second, and Kensi presses her lips together, looking down at her hands again.

The lonely tear rolling down her cheek breaks any resolve Deeks had; he wipes it away with the pad of his thumb before he gently brings her to his chest, and then he wraps both his arms around her tightly, softly rubbing his hands up and down her back. She gasps in surprise at first, but then he can feel her fingers clenching around the fabric of his shirt as she leans her forehead against his shoulder; her next words are delivered just by his ear. "And then I woke up and he was gone. The presents were still waiting underneath the tree, the biscuits on a plate in the kitchen; his clothes were still hanging in the closet, nothing had _changed_. But he…_he_ was gone. Just like that."

He barely hears her last words, but he can feel the strangled sobs she's holding back as she trembles against him; fierce, fiery Kensi Blye is shaking in his arms and in that instant Deeks is completely at a loss to what to do. He just holds her for another moment, gently combing her hair with his fingers, waiting for Kensi to calm down – she's being emotional, and really, he doesn't blame her – but he knows that she _will_ at some point. That's just the way she is, and why she draws in him so much.

There are so many things he wants to tell her; how it was never her fault, how he just _knows_ that she did everything she could and that she's not to blame, and that wherever Jack is now, it's his loss for walking out on her because she's amazing, and _he_ sure as hell would never leave her if…

But then he realizes that her breathing has evened, and when he looks down at the gorgeous woman wrapped in his arms, Deeks sees that her eyes are closed.

Gently and as quietly as he can, Deeks scoops her up in his arms and carries her to his room; he's surprised by how small she looks in his arms, and how tiny and light she is despite all the candy she devours all day long. He's tucking her under his blanket when her eyes flutter open for a second or two, her voice raspy and sleepy as Kensi speaks, "_Stay ?"_

It comes out as a soft plea, and really, after finding out how she'd woken up alone all these years ago, it just cements Deeks' need to make sure that this Christmas will be memorable for other reasons.

Kensi has her face furrowed in his pillow, already snoring lightly when he comes out of the bathroom, and silently, he slips in beneath the sheets with her.

The next morning, she comes awake first and then she wakes him up, and Deeks swears he's never seen something more beautiful than Kensi in the morning, all tousled and smiling at him, a bowl of ice-cream with _two_ spoons in hand.

* * *

_TBC_


End file.
